Bauer had a hard day yesterday. He seemed to be in a lot of pain from him "procedure" on Monday, and he's also been having tummy problems because he REFUSES to burp! I know they have good days and bad days, but instead of his usual fussing, he was getting full on mad- real tears and all. He kept holding his breath-- almost turning purple which really freaked me out since that's what got him in the NICU in the first place! Later in the day, I made a trip out to Target to grab a few things and I just felt like maybe we should put his oxygen in. I didn't know if the the oxygen out was contributing to him holding his breath and being so unhappy since he had lots of reasons to be upset, but I really didn't want to take any chances so we went ahead and put it back in when I got home. It was really hard for me-- I was so excited for the progress then it felt like we were taking a giant step backwards even though it was just 1/32 of a liter of oxygen!
I went back in his room to feed him and I was just filled with so many emotions I started bawling. I think I started crying so hard I was holding my breath too!! I did pretty good holding myself together through the rollercoaster of emotions these past 3 1/2 weeks-- but last night I didn't know what I felt. I was sad, I was angry, I was frustrated, but mostly my heart just aches for my little man. As his mom, and a mom with some known risks, I couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for the pain and suffering he's had to go through and continues to endure. I told Andrew that surely he doesn't need to learn anything from this, so I wish I could hurry up and learn what I need to so he can be spared any more discomfort! I didn't want to let him go, I just held him tight and let the tears flow freely-- He's such a trooper. If I had half the strength he had, I may have not been sobbing in the back room!
Tonight we really are going to do that SAT O2 study to see if he really does need the oxygen so that will answer some questions. Anyway-- if you made it all the way through that I applaud you-- if you didn't, i don't blame you. But I do feel better!
(note: this was WAY too long to edit, please excuse the many sentences that may not make sense!)
WHO COULDN'T LOVE THIS FACE!!!!!
5 comments:
You are such a strong person and I've always looked up to you and admired you so much. I'm sorry your little guy is going through such a rough time right now, but I bet God couldn't have thought of a better person to send him to than to you and Andrew. You guys are strong and amazing, and no doubt you're only going to become stronger and even more incredible. Know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!
Haley!!! You are incredibly strong and I'm in awe of you. My mom always told me that in difficult times and in trying experiences we are provided with strength that others watch in awe. That's how I was with you. Then sometimes we lose that strength. I'm sure being a mom will be emotional. Sometimes those emotions are wonderful and happy and sometimes those emotions are hard and sad. You and Andrew and amazing parents. Bauer is lucky to have you! You'll stay in my prayers!
I am a true believer...when life gets tough...a sob session REALLY helps. And good job for "journaling" your feelins too - you will be grateful to be able to look back on these times. I'm glad you're feeling better. You are learning and growing and becoming even more incredible - then you can teach me! Love you. La
Haley, I can't say that I know exactly what you are going through, but I can imagine. Isn't it weird how hormones can throw us off so easily? I mean, I would have probably done the same thing even if hormones had nothing to do with it. When my baby was born, I bawled and bawled about nothing. Bauer will get better and he will be stronger for getting through this. You will too! It really does get better with time. When people told me that I thought they were just trying to make me feel better. But it's true!!! I am so excited that you guys are moving here! Can't wait to see your cute little family! - Melinda
My sister told me that she thinks hormones are water soluble...cry them right out!:) There is such a complex mix of emotions for a new mom as you talked about. I know what it's like to hold your baby that you love so much and sob. It's a hard time, but the Lord knows what you're going through and will buoy you up through support from your husband and others. I'm glad you shared. I hope things keep getting better for you. Good luck with the move and transition!
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